Why do men cheat?
My friend once remarked to me about how there are more girls who are sincere then there are guys who are sincere when it comes to relationships and particularly matters of the heart. And the number of girls out there who are sincere in wanting a serious relationship sometimes does seem that is equivalent to the number of guys who just want to fool around. Otherwise how would you explain the number of stories you hear about girls, good sincere girls finding out their boyfriends cheated on them? It sure feels like something does add up when you think about it.
I started researching as to why guys cheat. I was curious to know what the experts felt and I was quite intrigued when I saw the top 9 reasons that men cheat. Of course some people of different quarters would argue that women too cheat as well and that they are no saints either, but we ALL know that the likely hood of a man to cheat is significantly higher.
And I think perhaps this phenomenon (where a study done which showed that 4 in 10 men cheat) would possibly could be attributed to the way society has viewed women, particularly the WAY society has allowed men to view women ; as mere objects of desire and lusts.
I mean how many times we have heard of a man who is considered to be accommodative and loving to his wife be labelled as "sissy" or "Mr Insensitive"? Heck I remembered when I was working in my early days , we used to joke around about how one of my married colleagues always had to ask his wife for "permission" to go out with his friends. Such guys we would often label them as being "domisticated" and not "a real man".
To me though, I think it takes ALOT more effort and energy to be loving and kind to your loved one. I didn't quite get this point until I saw my brother's own marriage and over the course of time I began observing his behaviour. At first it used to irk me to see that he would always need to get his wife's permission, but over time I saw that the relationship with his wife was actually quite healthy. They did have their disagreements, but often time they would be quite happy together (at least whenever I saw them). My brother once told me that "keep your wife happy, and everything will be just nice!", and this was even echoed in the latest Transformers movie where Witwiky Sr tells Witwiky Jr. to always keep the wife/girlfriend happy and things will be better.
But that's the difference in today's society. Men have kinda forgotten that. To them, the pursuit is always the fun part, but once the pursuit is over, things become boring and mundane. As the research from the article confirms, men begin to find sexual satisfaction outside of marriage.
It's not easy to maintain a marriage. As I am just humbly moving to my 4th month of my committed relationship, these are the truths that I am coming to terms with. But still I think that's where the effort needs to be there even more. And that's where men fail. To men, spending effort in emotional needs is a waste of time. However I think it's simply because men in general do not know how to communicate properly. To most men, a relationship is always a physical one, and yeah , definitely if your communication with your partner is just a physical one most of the time, it WILL get boring. It's quite sad sometimes when I see family men in the supermarket who look so jaded and bored. When I see their faces, I sometimes wonder, "is marriage that bad?"
And that's when I realise that marriage sometimes requires effort. It's not always gonna be fun and exciting. There will be periods of downtime, periods of quiet time, periods of sans physicality but it's important for us men not to give in to the temptation of looking elsewhere and playing with "fire".
Apart from just making it work, I also think it has got to do with who men mix with. Like they said, birds of the same feather flock together, so likewise it would be for men who would have friends of the same mindset. It won't rub off directly though, most of it would be in subtle manner. For example the kinda conversations that they have about relationships and women in general, the kinda movies they watch together. Eventually the kind of guy you become is actually a product of an environment that you are in. So picking out your married male buddies wisely I presume would help to some degree.
At the end of the day, nobody wants a failed marriage. Men by nature is not inherently evil. No man I believe would want to simply hurt their loved ones. But having said that, men should also have a greater responsibility in exercising judgement and choices.
Why ask for fire and burn your hands unnecessarily? You don't also want to burn it to much until you have to amputate it!
The Price we pay
Everything has a price in this life, including the choices we make. The choices we make in life come in different price ranges, some are big and some are small ; for some choices, you don’t pay the price until later on ; for some choices, the price is already waved for you because some kind soul has taken the brunt, and you go on in life without realizing it at all.
In economics, there is this term called utilisation and the theory goes like this : The Utlisation theory describes about making a choice that a) yields the most happiness/benefits, and b) benefitst the majority of the crowd. I marvelled at this theory when I was taught about it in my 4th year economic course.
Nevertheless it is important to remember that SOMONE is paying for it.
Someone needs to bear the brunt of that price, and unless you’re the Governor and you can use taxes to cover up the price, it still lies on someone’s head. Consider the fact of a mother who gives up her career so that she can spend more time with the children. To some that may be the right thing to do, to others, it may not be so. But we’re not talking about right and wrong here so let’s not get into that. There are things in life which will always fall on someone, where someone will be told to be the “better person” and take up the bill for someone else’s flaw. Is this fair? Absolutely not. Is it right? Aboslutely not, afterall it’s not your mistake and shouldn’t it be the other person who pays for it? But should you go ahead and do it? The answer is a surprising, but often confusing yes!
Why is it confusing?
I have always struggled with this notion, between right and wrong, between being kind and being right. I have no issues passing judgement and playing the fairness game when it comes to my acquaintances and people who come asking me for help. But when it comes to my loved ones, the game changes. Suddenly, I feel the “pressure” to be the bigger person, to be the better man, even though in my heart of hearts, I know I shouldn’t just bother and it’s anyway not my fault, so why should I bear the brunt of it or why should I be the better person?
But somehow I am often put in that spot, most of the time against my will. And I find myself, time and time again struggling with this. Sometimes I just give in, and just allow things to happen. But there are times I just long or wished the other party would know how much I am sacrificing to ensure his/her happiness or that the other party would understand and be abit considerate and see to my needs.
Does the price has its rewards?
But that’s not what we’re told to expect, at least not in Christianity, which is why as I mature in my faith, I am finding the Christian faith alot more challenging, and the same time alot more fulfilling. We’re told to do the impossible ; to be kind to enemies ; to be charitable to those who don’t deserve it ; not because it will so much so please God, but it will rather transform us into better people.
When looking at the cross, one can easily say – “what a foolish thing to do, to die for the sins of the world, if he is God, why can’t he just wipe out sin without dying”, but you see that’s not the point – that’s beside the point. The point and I believe this to be true is that God is trying to send us all a message – that there is such a thing called unconditional love, that there is such a thing called being the “better person” and taking up your cross, even if you hate it. While men may not admire or find our acts courageous (or as most often some would just snicker at our efforts and mockingly offer praises), I believe God sees everything.
And God appreciates the little things that we do for others. And the cross reminds us that our efforts are not in vain. Maybe in this life, we may go unappreciated, but I’d reckon the Heavens will be beaming with joy and I believe, sooner or later, God will reward those people – maybe not in earthly monetary things, but in terms of peace and love, which this world can never give. And you know what...it is often the case that these “better people” who do so much more better than those “see-to-myself” people.
When you say I do
I got inspired to write this piece of article after watching Khloe Kardashian prepare for her wedding to Lamar Odom in The Kadashians (yes I am that old and there was nothing else interesting on TV on a lazy sunday afternoon). During the whole tv show, the whole jing bang was just focusing on the external side of Khloe's wedding - i.e - Mama Kris was just talking about how she wanted her daughter to have the perfect wedding, and how she would make it her primary aim to make it happen. It was actually a crazy wedding if you ask me ; the couple had barely met a month before they decided to tie the knot! While the siblings did try to "knock" some sense into the bride-to-be, I was pretty amused to see how they just decided to shift their attention to the wedding details straight away. I guess maybe that's what makes good TV entertainment?
The ironic part occured I think towards the end of the show when I started googling up to see whether Khloe and Lamar were still married, and not to my surprise, rumours about them heading towards a divorce began dominating my search quest. It then got me thinking about the whole idea of marriage.
Saying that you love someone isn't that difficult I have come to accept. Pursuing the girl, while it may be an uphill battle for some of us, also isn't the difficult part. The most difficult part that I have found (based on my little wee experiences I have had in the past) is staying commited to the person....through thick and thin and most people have many coping mechanisms that they use to deal with this. Some drink, some have flirtatious affairs in the office, some concerntrate all their efforts at work, choosing to ignore the realities of the affairs at home.
It got me really thinking why is it so hard for men especially to commit themselves to the one that they love. I mean as men we spend much of our time in the pursuit of the one we want, but once we get them, once the girl says yes to us, we back down, we become afraid, we start having second thoughts. I know this, because it has happened to me before.
I think the question really lies in whether we really do love the person or not. Well you might scoff and say "of course we do!...why do you think I spent all my money on Valentines Day pursuing her and trying to get her???" but like I said, pursuing is different from starting the commitment with the individual.
Do you love the individual enough to stand by her through thick and thin?
It's a very tough question, and I bet you the initial reaction is always fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of not knowing what's gonna happen to the future, fear of being the person now responsible to look after this individual, to stay commited to her, to love her, to be there for her. That fear is quite a powerful fear and it can really paralyze a guy if he is not ready for it.
Very hard....but doable.
I think the first thing a guy needs to understand is that yes he needs to provide for this individual. He needs to be there for this individual. That's his role as a husband-to-be. He needs to understand his role in the relationship. Sadly most guys don't, and it's not because they don't care or they become jerks (except for a couple of outliers), but I personally believe it's because they don't know how. Most guys don't know how to play their role in a relationship. I can safely say most guys think all their role is to provide financial security, to come up with the dough for their beaus and to lead the relationship in major decisions. While all that is definitely important, I think men also need to be Emotional Leaders in the relationship and I don't mean to be a shrink to their beaus, but to be strong enough for them...in an emotional sense. Yes sure it will be scary at first, when we discover the other "ugly" side of the individual, but it's simply because it's a new change for us. We are experiencing something different and how we respond to that situation ultimately shapes the relationship. Do we quit, or do we try to compromise and not give up and try our best to work at it? And I think that's where the strength of the relationship continues to grow. And I belive that most girls would appreciate that in us men....eventually. Also I think another virtue that will help us men get through this is to be patient and understanding. I know this is super difficult to do (been there before myself!) but I think it's essential in building us men up. The little pains and struggles that we go through with our beaus help us to become better men in the future, little by little and slowly.
I think the second thing we men should realise is to learn how to set our own expectations on the other person. I know in my past relationships, I have often set some expectations which have left me dissapointed with the whole relationship. Managing expectations is important but what does it really mean to "manage expectations" and "set expectations?" when it comes to being in a relationship? To me, it simply means not expecting too much from the other person. Why? Because just like how we often tell others when we fail them that "hey I am only human", the same goes for them. Women are just as flawed as men, and as men, we should slowly learn to accept that and help them grow to be better people.
I guess saying I do is more than just a fancy wedding or desiring the wedding gown and all that. I have often been told that a wedding is just a day, a marriage is more for a lifetime. Patience, understanding, tolerance, maturity and most important of them all, love is important for a good marriage.
