Why do men cheat?
My friend once remarked to me about how there are more girls who are sincere then there are guys who are sincere when it comes to relationships and particularly matters of the heart. And the number of girls out there who are sincere in wanting a serious relationship sometimes does seem that is equivalent to the number of guys who just want to fool around. Otherwise how would you explain the number of stories you hear about girls, good sincere girls finding out their boyfriends cheated on them? It sure feels like something does add up when you think about it.
I started researching as to why guys cheat. I was curious to know what the experts felt and I was quite intrigued when I saw the top 9 reasons that men cheat. Of course some people of different quarters would argue that women too cheat as well and that they are no saints either, but we ALL know that the likely hood of a man to cheat is significantly higher.
And I think perhaps this phenomenon (where a study done which showed that 4 in 10 men cheat) would possibly could be attributed to the way society has viewed women, particularly the WAY society has allowed men to view women ; as mere objects of desire and lusts.
I mean how many times we have heard of a man who is considered to be accommodative and loving to his wife be labelled as "sissy" or "Mr Insensitive"? Heck I remembered when I was working in my early days , we used to joke around about how one of my married colleagues always had to ask his wife for "permission" to go out with his friends. Such guys we would often label them as being "domisticated" and not "a real man".
To me though, I think it takes ALOT more effort and energy to be loving and kind to your loved one. I didn't quite get this point until I saw my brother's own marriage and over the course of time I began observing his behaviour. At first it used to irk me to see that he would always need to get his wife's permission, but over time I saw that the relationship with his wife was actually quite healthy. They did have their disagreements, but often time they would be quite happy together (at least whenever I saw them). My brother once told me that "keep your wife happy, and everything will be just nice!", and this was even echoed in the latest Transformers movie where Witwiky Sr tells Witwiky Jr. to always keep the wife/girlfriend happy and things will be better.
But that's the difference in today's society. Men have kinda forgotten that. To them, the pursuit is always the fun part, but once the pursuit is over, things become boring and mundane. As the research from the article confirms, men begin to find sexual satisfaction outside of marriage.
It's not easy to maintain a marriage. As I am just humbly moving to my 4th month of my committed relationship, these are the truths that I am coming to terms with. But still I think that's where the effort needs to be there even more. And that's where men fail. To men, spending effort in emotional needs is a waste of time. However I think it's simply because men in general do not know how to communicate properly. To most men, a relationship is always a physical one, and yeah , definitely if your communication with your partner is just a physical one most of the time, it WILL get boring. It's quite sad sometimes when I see family men in the supermarket who look so jaded and bored. When I see their faces, I sometimes wonder, "is marriage that bad?"
And that's when I realise that marriage sometimes requires effort. It's not always gonna be fun and exciting. There will be periods of downtime, periods of quiet time, periods of sans physicality but it's important for us men not to give in to the temptation of looking elsewhere and playing with "fire".
Apart from just making it work, I also think it has got to do with who men mix with. Like they said, birds of the same feather flock together, so likewise it would be for men who would have friends of the same mindset. It won't rub off directly though, most of it would be in subtle manner. For example the kinda conversations that they have about relationships and women in general, the kinda movies they watch together. Eventually the kind of guy you become is actually a product of an environment that you are in. So picking out your married male buddies wisely I presume would help to some degree.
At the end of the day, nobody wants a failed marriage. Men by nature is not inherently evil. No man I believe would want to simply hurt their loved ones. But having said that, men should also have a greater responsibility in exercising judgement and choices.
Why ask for fire and burn your hands unnecessarily? You don't also want to burn it to much until you have to amputate it!
What is your constant?
Everyone has a constant in his or her life ; the constant is that very fundamental element that reminds the person of who he/she is, what the individual stands for, and it’s that constant that gives meaning to the individual’s whole being and existence. Think of the constant like the totem from the movie Inception, where the characters in the movie each need to develop a totem – a personalised item which only each person knows. The Totem is used to assure the characters in the movie that they’re in the real world and not in some layered dream state level.
Likewise in our own lives today, we too have such constants to remind us of what is real and important to us. I reflected on this during my Europe trip as I found solace and comfort in attending the mass. Although the trip was hectic during some days, I am glad I still managed to make room for my constant – our Lord and even though the masses I attended were not in English, I still felt welcomed and at home. I was with my constant – the One who has been with me all this while and it felt really renewing to attend it during the mornings. I would wake up at around 7.00 am and walk to the nearest church (there were plenty) while my travelling companions were still asleep.
In a way I welcomed this way of life – to start the day with Our Lord while others are still asleep. I felt it sort of gave me that space and time to just be alone with God, and to receive him in the Eucharist in the first thing in the morning was just a blessing in itself for me.
In the past whenever I am faced with challenges, like a desperate son, I would turn back to my Father, repent and be reunited with him. I guess you could say that part of me doing that is because of guilt – I didn’t want God’s punishment. But I realised that as time moved on, I became more and more interested in building a relationship with Him, not just from a needs-based relationship, but from a dynamic and accepting perspective. I wanted to BE WITH Him rather than just approach him in times of difficulty.
And over time, as I began adopting and habitually internalizing this concept and way of thinking about God, I realised that my relationship with God improved. He slowly became my rock, not just a rock for refuge, but a rock for me to live my life , a rock which has magnetic properties that guides and points my compass in the right direction. This Rock, over the years, through prayer, study and meditation (and lots of effort and grace) would eventually become my constant.
I have noted earlier that constants are there in our lives to give meaning and significance. Some people base their constant on their families, or their bank accounts or their careers. Whatever it is, it is so important to remember to have these constants in one’s life because without them, just as how a boat will float without proper anchorage, so would we as well, and the lack of having a proper footing in the ground has its consequences. It becomes scarier as you age.
It’s important to take the time and think for a moment what is that constant in your life and the process starts by first figuring out what matters to you most, just as how I discovered during my Euro trip, that ultimately, my constant, no matter how difficult or distracting the circumstances might be, will always and only rest in God.
"Thou hast made us for thyself, O Lord, and our hearts are restless until they find their rest in thee.."
- Augustine of Hippo
What is Love?
"Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things" - 1 Cor 13:7
You know, love is probably one of those things in life that as we grow older and as we mature in our age, it changes it's meaning. And to find love's definition, unfortunately we have a thousand and one definitions, and that's scary, because...well whose definition do we follow in the first place? There are songs, movies, tv shows, magazines, books all desperately trying to take a stab at painting a picture or at least offering a mere definition of what love is to them. The thing is what the media says about love, isn't totally wrong, because they're just defining it as how they think it ought to be. It only becomes "wrong" when we try to use that definition and apply it to our own lives. Love in a way is unique to everyone's experience.
To me, growing up throughout my young adult years I tried to also find what love really meant. From songs, to movies, to reading books, I tried to formulate what love means to me. I remember when I was dating some years back, I even looked to see what the bible said about love. My best friend, (who is now a pastor) pointed me to a verse, which I would go on to refer back to over the next couple of years and it's taken from 1 Corinthians 4-8 :
Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, (love) is not pompous,
it is not inflated it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury,
it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth.
It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails
When I read this verse, back when I was just a 20-year-old-in-love puppy I was sure this is what love was. Somehow reading this verse made me feel more "matured" than the rest of the folks around me. I knew this is really what love is and should be. While I may have found what God thought love is, I never fully understood it, though I read it countless times!
Later on in life I had come to learn that when Paul wrote that, he wasn't talking about romantic love, that I and so many others who have gone before me thought that that's what it's about. The love that Paul was talking about here is a different kind of love, the love that comes from God, and allows us to bear the sufferings, injuries and patience of those around us. Paul uses Love to explain it's very nature and it's greatness. We all have often heard in the lyrics on how the singer sings about how much he would go the distance or he would swim oceans just in the name of love. Well in that same regard, we are also shown that love is also capable of enduring pain, struggles, difficulties. We are told that true Love is able to endure and persevere.
Lets just take a step back and think about it for a minute. Think about what Paul is trying to say. The love that he talks about comes from God and in a way it gives us that grace to endure the difficulties and hardships we face, especially when it comes to the other person. The same love that gives us feelings and charges us to swim the seven seas in the name of love also charges us and calls us to be patient, to be understanding, to be kind, to be tolerant, and to accept the short comings of the other person.
As a 28-year old adult, when I look back at this verse, the same verse I read 8 years ago, the meaning has completely changed for me. I find the meaning to be so much more richer and much more meaningful to me. Because ultimately, I know (and you would also know my dear reader) that love is not JUST a feeling, but it's also a conscious decision. To love when things you're wearing the pink-stained coloured glasses is soo easy, and it's so good that you would be tempted to think "oh this is what love really is!".
While I don't deny it that yes, that is what love is, I would also think love is just more than that. Right now in my life, I'm blessed to be heading towards a relationship with someone and I noticed that I spend a good amount of my time consoling her as she has some issues that she's dealing with, so much so one day I admittedly told her "you know, you sharing all these struggles with me in a way does help me to become a better person...." She was quite taken aback
"I thought you would say that this would be a burden to me?"
Her response got me thinking. It got me thinking because I know the old me would have certainly thought that it would be a burden alright. But then it also got me thinking about the discourse Paul mentioned about love. And that's when it kinda hit me. This is what perhaps love really is.
Although I must admit it's a struggle even for me too sometimes.
I mean to be patient when the other person can get away scott free?
To be kind when it feels like the person is taking you for a ride?
To persevere when it feels like the other person doesn't even appreciate you?
Yes it's hard. I know cuz my own wounded heart has asked these questions before. But I would like to think of it this way, and I know it sounds cliche, but I believe it bears some truth nevertheless. I would believe that true love, GENUINE TRUE LOVE is able to endure and persevere. Why do I say this? Because genuine true love is not based so much on feelings, but on a decision ; a decision to love no matter what. A decision to hold on during the stormy rides; to be there no matter what. Feelings will be zapped out during the stormy rides, but it's the DECISION that ensures you stay the course and continue on the journey and not just call it quits and throw the lifeboat and jump out the boat!
While alot of guys would probably disagree with me as many would say "dude, don't be stupid, if the girl doesn't want you just move on", I refuse to accept that. Of course I will concede that there is a limit and a line to how far you would go to hold out, but I am tempted to believe that if you really and truly care and love for someone, it really is worth the effort. And somehow I also believe that the other person whom you're after will eventually be able to see you for what you are and will love you for that. Alot of effort (ALOT!!!) nevertheless worth the battle!
And that's why sometimes I think love should only be for the Braveheart or the Noble Knight.
