Love thy lord with all thy heart,soul and mind
This weekend's readings were about loving God. As the priest expounded on love during his homily at mass earlier today, my mind went in tangent. I was not ruminating on what the priest was explaining about, but I was thinking about love...more precisely I was thinking about loving God.
I can somehow understand when people these days tell me "how am I suppose to love God when there's so many bad things happening around me?" or "how am I suppose to believe in a God that cares when right now, despite me pleading for His help and guidance, He's offered me nothing."
How do you expect me to love someone so slient? And that too with all my heart, soul and mind? You have GOT to be kidding me!
True enough, our God is a strange God. If you read through the history of the bible, in the begining God wasn't like that. He lavished everything on man, his greatest prized possession. He gave him dominion over all the animalia kingdom. Man could freely communicate and God could see man face to face.
We all know what happened after that. Fast forward in time, and then came Egypt. The Israelites were in captive for 400 years! I wondered whether many people during that 400 slave year period cried out to God for help and set themselves up for dissapointment when He became silent again...
How are we suppose to love God when He's silent?
Aha, but if we read all through Exodus and up to the book of Numbers, we see that God actually does talk to his people. He draws himself close to His people when He liberates them out of Egypt. And what did his people do? Well for starters they built a golden calf, they whinned to Uncle Mo (Moses) every other day, they were basically cursing God for bringing them to a desolate dry land... and this wasn't for a week, or 3 months....this was for 40 years!
Then came Jesus. God himself, dwelt among us unworthy sinners. He ate like anyone of us, drank like anyone of us, slept like anyone of us, laughed, cried, smiled, joked, empathized and so on. And yet, people were only interested in Him for his signs, people were interested in him cuz they talk he was a circus freak, an entertainer, who gave free food at his gatherings. At the end, he was killed, for something he didn't even commit.
My point is this : It's not that we can't love God, it's rather we sometimes choose not to. And although we don't openly say "Screw you" to His face directly, our actions speak for us. We let God know He has let us down by our deeds toward him, such as skipping mass, not taking His word seriously, not praying much and talking to Him, engaging in activities that He has said no to.
And what's wrong with that? I'm dissapointed, I have a right to be dissapointed with someone who has upsetted me. Afterall he left me all alone when I cried up to him for help. Why should he deserve my affection and love?
I don't claim to know the absolute answer to this often asked question. But I do know that God is more alive than anyone else, and I do know every time I sin by doing something deviant and which is not "pleasing in His eyes" I am indirectly saying "I don't love you God" and I'm nailing an innocent man to a cross.
There are days where God has also been silent in my life, and during most of these periods, I am sucked and indulged by the world's pleasures and thrills. God takes a back seat, and I don't think of him much. During these periods, I gotta admit, the temptation to skip mass and just continue indulging myself with my worldly pleasures is very tempting.
But everytime what happens is I do end up going to mass. I don't know why. It's not so much because of friends or the priest or anything superficial and physical. I guess it's just one of those things that you just do, like going to watch your son's football game even though you're not in the best of terms with him, or visit your dad every month, even though you've had a sour and bitter relationship with him over the last couple of years. The same goes for Mass. I go because, I want to be with God. I want God to know that I still love Him, even though it's not a very intimate and strong love, it is love nonetheless. Even though I sometimes can't feel Him around, I still go, hoping that He will come through and once again reignite the flame.
And to tell you the truth, it has happened to me so many times. There have been times where I've been so alone, and He has come just at the right moment, and no it's not via divine interventions and heavens parting ways. It comes in the most simplest ways such as getting a "well done" note from my boss or colleagues, or somehow I am suddenly able to solve my problem at work, (even though I didn't pray for it). It comes in the most simplest form such as friends asking me how I'm doing and inviting me to join with them for dinner. Simple things ya know. Simple things to remind me that "I'm still here...you better believe it!"
So tell me, how is it NOT possible for me to love my God with all my heart,soul and strength. To me God has become like family, in fact more than family. Sure there are things he does which I can't comprehend, and sometimes I just don't want to crack my head over, (just like when my mom used to do things I couldn't understand when I was a kid, I would write in my diary that I thought mum was mad because she was mad). Family members go through life with ups and downs, and it's the same way with God, but it's only better in the sense that God uses those downs to bring about something positive in the future.
I know it's all wishy washy, mushy mushy talk, but I believe it will all my heart.soul and mind when people say that God has a purpose for everyone....who holds on to Him. Even when hope seems lost, when what you've prayed for has not been answered, God is right there working something with you. It's whether you want to let him continue working with you.
You better believe it...
My Ways are not your ways
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD" - Isaiah 55 : 8
Interestingly, this was taken from this weekend's liturgy reading. The gospel focused on Matthew 20 : 1-16, which basically talk about the parable of the vineyard owner who paid every worker the same amount of wages, including those he hired at the last minute. The workers who were hired in the morning were angry at the injustice they saw from the owner.
"We worked harder than those guys who came in late, how can you pay them as much as us?"
And now you know why salary disclosure is a confidential matter 
The point here today is not so much on the injustice. It's not so much about fair wages either and being treated fairly and equally. In fact if you look at it from an angle, they were in fact treated equally, as in there was no discrimination in the wages being paid out, everyone got the same. The morning workers weren't cheated if you read closely, because they offered to do the job for the same amount of money that would be paid to the last minute workers. In fact The owner vineyard didn't short change the morning workers at all! He paid them accordingly to what was agreed.
My friend, I am not cheating you. Did you not agree with me for the usual daily wage? Take what is yours and go. What if I wish to give this last one the same as you? Or am I not free to do as I wish with my own money? Are you envious because I am generous?’ - Matt 20 : 13 - 15
Ooh, what a slap in the face, but you know what, the owner is right! Who are we to tell the owner that He should pay less to those who came late?
Thank goodness God does not operate to corporate standards. If God ran his company God Inc. we probably would have been fired long long time ago for "failure to comply with the company's standards". The underlying theme here is that God is generous, just as He is merciful and this is something we humans cannot understand. In a way, I like this parable, because it has something to do with practical lives, for once we see God as a businessman, and we're appalled at how he treats his more hardworking loyal employees. Where's equality and fairness? Oh it's right there, in fact we have no right to talk about equality and fairness to a God who is full of justice; the fact He doesn't short change us is a clear indication!
Our God is a generous God, and no our feeble minds may not be able to wrap around this concept, especially when it comes to Him judging and dealing with other, "less-qualified" people in our church and daily lives, but as Isaiah 55:8 says:
For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,"
The jealousy and envious on our part should not be called for. Rather the focus should honestly be on celebrating God's goodness and His mercy and faithfulness to us.
My 2nd conversion story : The conference that changed my life Part 3
"The Thelogy of the Body was written by JPII (John Paul II)" my friend quipped in as I took a seat in the back row. I had already missed the morning session which covered a couple of areas. The session I was attending now was on ....
"WHAT?!" I shot back, not believing what I had just heard seconds ago.
"JP II, our pope was the one behind TOB?"
The catholic church DID write something on SEX afterall! And it wasn't some Bishop in America or a Cardinal in Australia. The POPE wrote about sex! He was the brainchild behind Theology of the Body!
Understanding and coming to terms with that information had already set the agenda for me. I was intrigued and eager to hear what the Holy Father had to say about sex. And it wasn't just about sex, TOB covered a whole bunch of other things that were often major issues when it came to living my faith to the fullest - porn, self-stimulated sex, homosexuality, marriage, celebacy, birth control etc.
It was a major eye opener for me, and when I heard the Holy Father had delivered his TOB messages during his "Wednesday Audiance" session for 5 years, between 1979 and 1984 it just blew me off. The primary reason being that why on earth would the pope, hardly just 1-2 years after being in his pontificate position would spend the next 5 years delivering this message? Surely His Holiness knew the direction of the youth, (he afterall spent alot of his time with youths) the struggles the youth faced, the REAL challenges that the youth were coming to grapple with.
I earlier mentioned that meeting up with my church buddies after so long would be a homecoming for me? Well guess what? THIS was my REAL home coming! The Catholic Church had written and documented something on the body and sexuality and it has been in our time for the last 20 plus years!
Why didn't anyone bring this up to the church diocesean level? In my 20+ years as a catholic, religiously going for mass every Sunday, I had never once heard about the Thelology of the Body by any priest. Oh I did hear about some priests talk about sex, but it was often in light of the liturgy of the Word for that weekend. (1 Cor 6: 19-20) St Paul's Body as temples message was the closest thing I had ever heard a priest talk about when it came to discussing about sex. Porn, masturbation, homosexuality were never openly preached about from the pulpit. Sad isn't it?
But nevermind the past, now I had come to know a very important work - the Theology of the Body. And the main reason why I was so impacted on it was because the areas it focused on. These were the VERY areas that were obstructing my faith! I always had a problem with sexual sin (it's every man's battle whether we want to admit it or not!) and for years I have always had the humble and sincere intention of turning away from this root-of-all-evil-in-my-life thorn. If there was one thing Satan was good at holding me down and crumbling my faith, it would not be so much of mass-skipping, or doubting God in difficult and stressful moments, rather his leash over me was sexual sin. And no amounts of prayer, fasting, Joshua Harris-Jack Hayford books could help in countering this deadly problem of mine.
You could imagine my delight in learning about sexuality from a Catholic perspective. (And to think the Catholic Church was all rooted in tradition and filled with grey-haired silver priests and monks who were more interested in living in their pent up closed-door churches than dealing with the realities of the world, especially those concerning the youth?) It was a real blessing for me. TOB helped me understand the deeper meaning of sex, how it relates to God, the sacredness of the marriage covenant, how birth control prevents God from being in control of our bodies and ultimately denying His creation by denying life itself. TOB showed me how beautiful and sacred sex really is, and how it should be guarded and protected. Here's the pope my friends, not some fundemental christian pastor, but the Head of the Catholic Church himself explaining these things and opening our minds to the purpose of the body and our sexuality.
Note : I will talk about the TOB later in depth in another entry some other time.
When you come across such beautiful literature, written by the Catholic church, you can't help but marvel at it and appall on things like porn, homosexuality and masturbation. It just leaves you no room for such worldly nonsense, flirt and garbage! When you have received the truth, it sets you free, and in my case, it really did precisely that. For the first time, I felt liberated from the bondage of sexual sin. I understood what sex really was, not just from a ecumenical christian viewpoint, but from a Catholic viewpoint, and this was something really important and personal to me. I will admit it was sometimes hard to go to church and yet find my self contiously sinning in the same area and yet not receive any hope and guidance from the church. And no, resisting the temptation by not looking and so on were not real guidance, what I was looking for is an explaination on sex from a Catholic perspective, and the TOB perfectly nailed those Catholic sex-related questions for me.
But the most interesting part about this whole experience is what transformed me following the TOB conference. As I said, it opened my eyes, and I felt that now, since the Catholic Church has finally answered most of my deepest and personal heartfelt challenges, I felt compelled to learn more about the Church. Not to say I had never done this and I was embarking on this knowledge quest for the first time. But I felt what I knew last time was just the mere surface. TOB somehow inspired me to look further into the Church, because I believe the Catholic Church is the one true church, the problem was I didn't know how to explain it or why I stood behind my beliefs. And so, I decided to study more on the Catholic Church.
Along with my persuit to study the Catholic Church's doctrines and teachings, I have integreted my prayer life, and my entire way of life to the faith. Mum's death taught and my experience over the last couple of years taught me something very deep and fundamentally important : This life is finite, our next one is going to be infinte, and if we're going to be with Him in infinity, we ought to learn more about Him.
The choices sometimes we make in life sometimes make us look as though we are immortals; that we're never going to die. The choices we make here on earth makes it look as though that all that there is to life is just here on earth and we must make every best use of it. People forget that there's another life after death, that life, in the spiritual world is infinity. We'll no longer be given choices, or be allowed to make mistakes and then come to realization that we were wrong etc. in the spiritual world.
I realized that in state of focusing on earthly materials, things that we won't even be able to take once we depart from this world, (yeah including our sex drive and our desired spouses/girlfriends/boyfriends etc.), why not focus on what's coming ahead? We're so privilleged in a way that we know who's going to be there at the other life waiting for us. God himself, Jesus and the Holy Spirit accompanied by the angels and the saints, and we're going to spend an INFINITE time with them.
And that's why I crave for mass every day. That's why I read books that talk about MY catholic faith, books that explain about the church. THat's why I meditate on the rosary, and read the teachings on the catholic church. It's not because I want to sound like some bigot self-righteous-holier-than-thou Christian. (Although I do want to be part of the apologetics that helps people clear the misconceptions of the catholic teachings and faith). It's because I know that there are more important things to life than career progression, a big nice fancy car, partying hard with your colleagues, and falling in love with someone. The most important thing in life is to love the lord your god with all your heart, mind and soul.
Mother Theresa once said "Fall in love with Jesus everyday...and everything will fall into place"
It's odd that I would call this a conversion story, but in a way it is for me. My first one occured when I was in Canada. Losing my cellphone that day made me realize that there is a God. Losing my mum and fully understanding the true meaning of the body and sexuality made me realize that there is more to life than just earthly things, and that if I want to cling on close to Him, I should never, ever, ever abandon the Church, instead I should learn as much as I can about my chruch and its teachings.
It's funny how I was so reluctant to go for that conference. Had I not gone... I wonder if I would still be the same person I am today.
